Guest Blogger Robin Black: On Learning To Spell Women’s Names While Men Buy My New Book For Their Wives


Robin Black is the author of Life Drawing (Random House, 2014), a compelling study of betrayal and penance in a marriage between a writer and a painter, and If I Loved You, I Would Tell You This, a short story collection published in 2010. [You can read my review of Life Drawing here.] Both books received critical acclaim in the U.S., Canada, Australia, and the UK. Her work has been noticed four times for Special Mention by the Pushcart Prizes and also deemed Notable in The Best American Essays, 2008, The Best Nonrequired Reading, 2009 and Best American Short Stories, 2010.  She holds degrees from Sarah Lawrence College and the Warren Wilson MFA Program for Writers. Here, Black addresses the vexing matter of men who won’t read fiction written by women.

RobinBlack2014   Life Drawing

I was at a party earlier this summer, a celebration of my novel, thrown by old friends, and filled with couples around my age, middle-aged men and women. My host had asked me to read a bit from the book, which I did, and I answered some questions about my process, about the publishing world; and then I stepped out of the spotlight so that something closer to a normal party might begin. A normal party that included one guest selling and signing books, that is.

Those interactions, while also wonderful, are inherently a little socially awkward, so I expected to feel both fortunate and a bit sheepish, which I did. But this time I also felt a different, distinctive discomfort settling in as more than one man approached me, book in hand, and told me he wanted to buy it  – as a present for his wife. You can make it out to. . . Carol. . . Jane. . . Kathy. . .

Whatever.

I began to feel grumpy. I don’t believe it showed, but I was starting to feel unmistakably irked at the unspoken assumption that I had written a book for women. Only women. That a man who bought a copy for himself might as well also buy a pair of heels and some jewelry to accessorize the purchase.

To be clear, I wasn’t ticked off at these individual men. They were – to a man, so to speak – warm and encouraging, said kind things about the work I’d read aloud, and expressed interest in the whole process of how a book comes into the world. My friends are lovely people, and they had gathered lovely friends of their own. But . . . One particularly engaging man told me he belonged to a book group. A men’s book group. “You should suggest this to them,” I said, poking a bit, consciously making mischief.

At least he was forthcoming. “It’s really tough to get them to read books written by women,” he said. “It’s viewed as. . . “ He shook his head and shrugged.

Sigh.

 

I recognize that I am writing for a blog that owes its very existence to this problem, that I’m not exactly introducing an unfamiliar phenomenon here. But something about this experience, the line of actual, living, breathing men armed with spellings of women’s names, made the imbalance feel true and – excuse me – just so fucking weird, in a way that no statistics, no documented trends ever have.

Really, guys? Really?

Yes. Really.

Part of why it’s weird is because it never occurs to me when I write that I am writing for one sex almost exclusively, which it turns out I am. To me, I am just a person, writing a novel for other people to read. As a writer, I am obsessed with the simple, central question of why people do what they do. Is that a particularly feminine  preoccupation? I hope not. I hope it’s something we’re all thinking about, a lot.

“Men love this book,” I finally said to one fellow guest, thinking of the men who have, many of them friends and family, their ages ranging from 23 to 81. “You might be surprised.”

“Well, I did like what you read, a lot. . .”

Dot. Dot. Dot. Awkward silence.

All righty, then. I guess I’m not going to change the world at a book party.

“And how is Carol spelled? Is there an e?”

 

I’m not angry at any individual. I’m not a bit sure I’m angry at all, though the word is, of course, inevitably, tiresomely melded to all observations that might be termed “feminist” – and so I feel some obligation to contend with the presumption. In truth, a bit weary, on this day anyway, I feel more frustrated than angry; and as for the frustration, it’s certainly not lastingly directed at the men who bought my book, much less the friends who so generously celebrated it. My primary emotion about that evening is one of gratitude.

The frustration itself is familiar, like some kind of natural element, innate to existence by now. It disperses into the air we all breathe and refills my lungs; strolls with me down sidewalks; prickles, uncomfortable, as I watch stereotypes play out on my TV. This a Big Social Problem, and so society, culture, history must all shoulder the blame – though of course, as always, it falls on individuals to fix what entire civilizations have broken. It isn’t ever acceptable to let the weariness win out.

Or, it turns out, to forget to be angry. Or to disown the emotion because others have used its name as a weapon against women. . . Shame on me for that. Anger it is.

And so the analysis begins, anew: Why don’t men read books by woman?

Friends and I have puzzled over that one endlessly. Is it the fear of being seen holding a pink cover, a logical if unfortunate response to an unabashedly gender-coded message that literary marketing has sent? Is it the outgrowth of a process that begins with people telling newborn girls how sweet and pretty they are, encouraging them as they grow, to be nice and worry about relationships, while telling boys how big and strong they are, encouraging them to be tough and smart? Does that well-documented distinction make reading what women write – always presumptively about domestic relationships – seem a feminine activity? (While not making reading male-authored fiction about domestic relationships problematic – as if those books have some kind of blue-for-boys won’t-lessen–your-manhood stamp of approval on them.) Is this just another corner of the world in which those who are taught to view women as equated with emotions, and emotions as equated with weakness (and therefore, by the transitive property. . .) reward the lifelong brainwashing inflicted on them by acting accordingly?

Or, to put it another way, do girl books have girl cooties? Is it really that much a legacy of the schoolyard? Of the nursery?

Probably. That’s all doubtless part of it. But, having gone through what felt like a strangely ritualistic enactment of a statistic I haven’t wanted to believe, I am filled more with questions about the larger implications of men not reading fiction by women than about the causes. If you think that because I’m female what I have to say in my novel won’t interest you, what about the things I say when I am talking to you about the research project in which we’re both engaged? About the funding needed for the public school system? How about when I am arguing a case in court? Filing an insurance claim?

Is it credible that fiction occupies a unique place? Credible that men who dismiss what female storytellers have to say as irrelevant to them, aren’t also inclined to dismiss – albeit unconsciously – what females of every variety have to say?  To think it somehow less relevant than what the other men say? Is it credible that this often unexamined aversion is a special case of some kind? A glitch?

Just as the fact that men skip over female fiction authors has never felt as real to me as it now does, the possibilities of what that fact might mean have never seemed as serious. And to the extent that I am limiting my exploration here to “men” and “women” as if our genders divide anything like so clearly, let me just say, I have no doubt that these issues are all the more complex and disheartening for those whose gender does not fit mainstream definition.

But back to the mainstream for a moment, back to traditional gender presumptions, which are almost certainly at the root of all this. The book that I wrote has been described in reviews as tense, taut, and brutal. I’m not suggesting that had it been called tender, sweet, and heart-warming, men would be right not to read it. But I must say that when you write a book so commonly described with adjectives that are viewed in this (dysfunctional, sexist) society as “male,” and men still aren’t interested in reading it because the author is female, it’s . . . it’s depressing. That’s the word. Depressing.

To me, anyway. I am bummed out about this, since that session of learning how to spell yet another set of women’s names. Not because I don’t value my female readers nor because of the impact on my career or sales numbers, but because of the questions to which this imbalance inevitably leads, because of my hunch that this book-avoiding nonsense is only a relatively innocuous hint at something much more important, something both endemic and profoundly ugly, something that has precious little to do with literary taste.

62 thoughts on “Guest Blogger Robin Black: On Learning To Spell Women’s Names While Men Buy My New Book For Their Wives

  1. We’ve just had “Fathers Day” where I live and judging from the advertising thrust into my letterbox beforehand, men only want alcohol, hardware, and perhaps books – about war, or biographies of famous men, or sporting heroes. As a man who reads almost exclusively women authors (including Ms Black), I reckon men are missing out on something. They’re one-dimensional people as a result. They see the world with blinkered vision and think they’re getting the whole picture. Yes, that is depressing, isn’t it? And it’s worse than that – these one-dimensional people are running countries. How can we expect anything other than war, aggression and conflict?

    Liked by 6 people

    • What an awful thing to say, oldblack. The many men I know, both family and friends are not one dimensional. And they are not the exception but the rule. Like their female counterparts, they are individuals with different interests and personalities. The one thing most men may have in common is that they prefer non fiction (not necessarily the type you suggest) and there’s not enough available out there for them. You shouldn’t stereotype men even if advertisers do.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Woman can wear trousers, but men will rarely wear a skirt.

    It’s all the more frustrating that women in the reverse situation would be more likely to read a book written by a man, as indeed they do and most especially if it was written by someone with whom they had a personal connection. I guess the men are being supportive by buying the book, the empathy not quite stretching to how it might feel to be both accepted (I bought your book) and rejected or patronised (but not for me to read) in the same act.

    Well done on getting published and there are indeed men out there who do read women writers, claim them as their favourite authors and influence opinions. One by one.

    Liked by 4 people

    • Sorry that I’m putting my 5 cents into, but… We cant’t forget that women writers are writing differently and you can sense it in the style. And I also don’t necessary enjoy every female write for all sensitivity they put in the book. So I don’t think that it is a chauvinist problem, I think it is a choice of taste more the less.

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  3. In 8th grade, I asked my Language Arts teacher why we had read no novels with female protagonists (though we had read some written by women.) He said, “Well, studies show that at this age boys just won’t read books with female main characters.”

    This was an otherwise lovely teacher, and I don’t know but that he disagreed with the policy. But I remember thinking, “So? Make them. You make us do lots of other stuff we don’t immediately want to do.”

    (This was the same year that our algebra teacher would blame all the errors in the math textbook on the fact that there were women on the editorial board, and who once said “Let’s make a list of all the things women are good at! I’ll get a piece of paper!” and then tore off a tiny corner of a piece of paper.)

    Anyway, I realize that’s only an anecdote. But all that is just to say: I think there’s a gendered difference between who gets told “Oh, you don’t initially like this thing. The world should really keep that thing from intruding upon your consciousness!” vs. who gets told “Oh, you don’t initially like this thing. You need to change your desires for your own good.”

    Liked by 3 people

    • Very good, my dear. I agree, though I am a male writer. Your experience in Language Arts class made me remember something I once read about J.K. Rowling, one of the most successful female writers today. Her publisher actually made her change her name to J.K. instead of Joanne because he didn’t think it would attract male readers.
      It seems that no matter what today’s society does, we still find ourselves entangled in the issue of diversity quite frequently.

      Liked by 2 people

      • Not at all…. I thought I explain myself quite clear. That despite the thought that we all would like to experience diversity in real life we don’t. And your example above prove it – we don’t do it enough in all parts of our life very often because of our misogynistic society (or let’s say it softly, because we used to it and never question ourself “why”). I hope I was very clear, my dear?

        Liked by 1 person

      • My dear, your mocking aside, I wish to simply point out that my entire motive in the prior comment was to do exactly that: prove her right.
        Thank you for clarifications, however. It is much appreciated.

        Like

      • Unconvincing… still… unconvincing, my dear. And not because you kidna proving her right, but the way how you do it. She is there, trying to change the situation and to draw an attention to it, but you are there, cause you are enjoying the situation and trying to make her feel like that’s perfectly norm situation and … I guess, she just has to get use to it.

        Liked by 2 people

      • A tough customer, I see. My dear, no one enjoys when other people are made lesser by the limits of society. Frankly, I’m insulted by the image you seem to have conjured of me (masochist?), but this isn’t about my feelings. Did I make the situation seem as if it were normal? Perhaps. However, I did not make that point to glorify the lack of diversity that seems to be quite an issue today. Just because something is attributed to being ‘normal’, does not mean that it is in any way ‘right’ or ‘moral’. Not by a long shot, my dear. I apologize if you somehow misconstrued my purpose, but I am not here to make light or fun of an age-old issue that never truly seems to have a finite resolution, simply because of so many differing perspectives.

        Liked by 1 person

      • My dear, the tone and the structure of your highly overweight sentences were talking for you. You pointed out this issue in the very patronizing tone, therefore I got a sense that you standing aside and observing this game with a smile on your face other than taking a part in the “age-old issue” to find a “finite resolution” for it. P.s. “Frankly” speaking it is about your feelings. And still you don’t look like masochist for me…yet… ” A tough customer??? Yes, we both don’t like simplicity. Enjoy your day, my dear!

        Liked by 1 person

      • Patronizing? No, my dear, I’m being polite. Perhaps you should try a lesson or two. I’m rather appalled that you see this as a game, as should you. All the same, I appreciate the criticism more than I can say. Your well-wishes are noted and duly reciprocated. Thank you, my dear,

        Liked by 1 person

      • Glad, that you’ve enjoyed, my dear. Always liked to play table tennis (you win a game, but loosing a set… and vice versa). If you can give me lesson or two I’m happy to consider them. Lead me, my dear, I’m interested in what you can offer.

        Liked by 1 person

      • My dear, if you wish to continue this conversation, by all means contact me at my website or by email. However, I refuse to subject the owner of this website to our bickering any longer. It was selfish of me to go on as long as I did.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Perhaps you are reading into this a bit more than is actually there.

    What you actually KNOW is that men who show up at your book readings and stand on line to get an autograph are apparently inclined to ask that it be autographed to a woman. Even if that’s an accurate generalization, it’s a far cry from the conclusion you’ve come to.

    Most men don’t read at all. That’s a completely different problem but readership among women is far more than among men so it’s no great surprise that this is true of readers of a particular book or genre. It’s entirely possible, even probable, that male authors see the same thing at their book signings unless they’re writing works specifically targeted towards men like instructions on how to skin a moose with a pocket knife, the event is scheduled at Cabella’s, and the beer is free.

    Most men who read don’t collect autographs. That is surely true of all readers but it’s entirely possible that female readers may be more inclined to want their book defaced. I can’t speak for all men, of course, but I can do without a ‘personal’ memo from a writer where the only thing they know is how to properly spell my name, and that’s because someone is standing there to instruct them.

    Most people don’t actually go to many book readings, even if they’re a fan of the author, and even if they’ve actually read the book. This is a very narrow subset of the audience. Is that skewed in favor of women? Maybe. Probably. I’ve never actually been to a book reading to look around and see who attended. Somehow I suspect the demographics looks different than the audience at, say, a boxing match.

    Like

  5. Perhaps you are reading into this a bit more than is actually there.

    What you actually KNOW is that men who show up at a book reading and stand on line to get an autograph are apparently inclined to ask that it be autographed to a woman. Even if that’s an accurate generalization it’s a far cry from the conclusion you’ve come to.

    Most men don’t read at all. That’s a completely different problem but readership among women is far more than among men so it’s no great surprise that this is true of readers of a particular book. It’s entirely possible, even probable, that male authors see the same thing at their book signings unless they’re writing specifically man targeted works like instructions on how to skin a moose with a pocket knife and the event is scheduled at Cabella’s.

    Most men who read, don’t collect autographs. That is surely true of all readers but it’s entirely possible that female readers may be more inclined to want a ‘personal’ note in their book. I can’t speak for all men, of course, but I can do without a memo from a writer where the only thing they know is how to properly spell my name, and that’s because someone is standing there to tell them.

    Most people don’t actually go to many book readings, even if they’re a fan of the author and even if they’ve read the book. This is a very narrow subset of the audience. Is that skewed in favor of women? Maybe. Probably. I’ve never actually been to a book reading to look around and see who attended. Somehow I suspect the demographics looks different than the audience at, say, a boxing match.

    Like

  6. […] “Probably. That’s all doubtless part of it. But, having gone through what felt like a strangely ritualistic enactment of a statistic I haven’t wanted to believe, I am filled more with questions about the larger implications of men not reading fiction by women than about the causes. If you think that because I’m female what I have to say in my novel won’t interest you, what about the things I say when I am talking to you about the research project in which we’re both engaged? About the funding needed for the public school system? How about when I am arguing a case in court? Filing an insurance claim? Is it credible that fiction occupies a unique place? Credible that men who dismiss what female storytellers have to say as irrelevant to them, aren’t also inclined to dismiss – albeit unconsciously – what females of every variety have to say? To think it somehow less relevant than what the other men say? Is it credible that this often unexamined aversion is a special case of some kind? A glitch?” Guest Blogger Robin Black: On Learning To Spell Women’s Names While Men Buy My New Book For Th… […]

    Like

  7. Interesting thoughts. This is something I honestly have not noticed, or at least have never really put my finger on. I know as an English teacher, I am constantly struggling to find books for my male students to enjoy. If they are going to pick up a book and actually get to the end, it does need to be about war, sports, or biography. It has always been such a challenge. Boys that do read the classic YA fiction, written by women, are often those boys that are teased by other boys or spend most of their time with female students. I have no explanation for why this is. The stereotypical men are just so focused on what’s masculine and what’s not.

    Like

  8. I have been raised with female writing and exclusively been chosing woman writers or “diverse” gender writing, ambiguos genders and all that is “counter”-culture during my childhood and teens, but the feminist reading glasses used by a lot of unintelligent but aggresive female academic culture have caused discomfort in my reading. They think these writers are “theirs” not ours as in global and “universal”, and some are, but the reading becomes the agenda not the text. And i see only as Annie Liebowitz once said about the Stones “I see only your dicks…”.
    This leaks into popculture and become something that is best described as 50-ies house-wife conservatism but in a female academic context.
    Back to square one. Pseduo-feminism rules over both radical and conservative feminism. Thats the tragedy and that feminism still belive somewhere matriarchy at times is maybe the possible underlying agenda and utopia for worldpeace.Meanwhile we all try to find analogies in male behaviour to disconnect female behaviour. But im not so sure this is the way….

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  9. It’s very true that female authors are less read then male authors and it is a shame. Then again I’ve met guys that will claim that their favorite author is a female. I suppose it just depends on their tastes and how comfortable they are with their feminine side. I’m looking forward to reading your book and congratulations on getting published!

    Like

  10. “Or, to put it another way, do girl books have girl cooties?”

    I can very much relate. My own book is a Christian devotional. I wrote it for humans…not female humans or male humans…and yet..

    Last summer, at a book signing a man I knew came forward with a book to be signed and so I wrote on the inside cover, “Blessings to you and yours Larry. Thanks for the support”. He read it and smiled and then said, “Oh, I wish you had made it out to Needra (his wife).” I apologized, added her name and then said, “I didn’t realize it was a gift for her.” He shrugged and replied, it’s not really…but, I don’t want to get caught reading a women’s devotional. If someone asks, I can say it belongs to her.”

    Even after explaining that my book is gender neutral, he left me feeling that he was embarrassed to have bought a “girlie” book.

    Ugh!!

    Liked by 1 person

  11. wow! congratulations on getting publish. i hope that one day i can get publish.
    Will your book be available on torrent?
    check my blog, i am not a published writer but i am trying

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  12. First, congrats on your writing, Robin, Second: thank you for this very interesting piece. I hear you! And it’s such a loss to men who restrict themselves to reading only/mostly male authors.

    Men who read my book all seem surprised at how much they enjoyed it. Many of them came to it only because they heard their wives laughing out loud as they read it, or their wives/girlfriends read part of a chapter to them. But I’m almost sure they would never have gone out and bought the book themselves.

    I wonder if female authors of science fiction/fantasy and murder mysteries/detective novels reach more male readers?

    My best wishes,
    Cynthia Reyes, author of A Good Home.

    Like

  13. It is very sad. I myself only realized this issue recently. I now love reading books by women! However I will be honest and tell you that my male friends would find this very strange. It is an enormous cultural drawback/shame though.

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  14. There’s no such a concept that a certain idea is just too feminine. I think it’s more about stereotypical category each gender puts themselves into at times. How many women in the Arab world for example read sci-fi books and watch action movies? There are of course, but nothing to compare to the rate of men who do that. It differs also from a country to another.
    Your books seems to encourage depth. I guess (many) men don’t get attracted to that category.
    Don’t worry though, if a book is affecting a woman in any way, it will definitely affect a man in one way or another.
    Good luck!🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  15. I’m always telling people that I’ll read anything I can get my hands on except for porn. I love cosies but also cerebral type crime fiction, I like non fiction crime books. I like science fiction and I like the classics, I like historical romance novels. I like anything and everything that will keep my interest going and keep me happily involved in another person’s universe, before I’m forced back into mine.

    I don’t like it when I read a post (not yours, obviously) that tells me that as a woman it’s my duty to read novels by women writers. I will read the blurb in the back that tells me what the story is about (unless it’s an electronic book and then I will read a sample chapter). If I like it, I’ll read it. I haven’t read your novel so I can’t comment, but are you considering that a man’s mindset works differently (not better or worse) and maybe the ones that buy your book for their partners sense that your novel is not aimed at them. I don’t write novels but when I did a writing course, whether it was the fiction or non fiction class, lecturers would tell us students that we should choose our audience and aim our prose at them.

    My little grandsons just love adventure stories. They don’t mind what gender the heroes are, but being males, perhaps they will sometimes gravitate to male heroes.
    I’m rambling, I know it. Hope you don’t mind too much. Good post and good insight as to what agonies novel writers go through.

    Like

  16. “As a writer, I am obsessed with the simple, central question of why people do what they do. Is that a particularly feminine preoccupation? I hope not. I hope it’s something we’re all thinking about, a lot.”

    Although a distinctly authorish (not a great choice of words, I know) trait, I do think this is unfortunately,a particularly feminine preoccupation in general society. It’s a shame because I think we’d all get along much better if people actually thought about why people act they way they do. This makes sense, because among my male friends who like to read, I have noticed that they are not so much into books that take the psychology of characters into great account.

    In some ways, I hope this is the reason men often don’t read women writers, rather than some inherent belief that women can’t write well. I guess, as you suggest, it could also because the covers are far too often pink, sentimental-looking things… even though I am female, I will not touch books with those covers as I feel the book publishers are trying to slot me into this frilly little box. All I can say is if I ever get a book deal, I will be incredibly upset if the cover is pink!

    What do you think about writing under a male pseudonym or just using initials?

    Like

  17. Reblogged this on Temples Treasure Trove and commented:
    Remember Helen Keller?? So MANY WOmen with so MUCH to say that’s important…WOmen writers being dismissed and disregarded due to the nature of their name and gender. Sad that so much Excellent Communication is missed by the “other gender” that I hear so much “I just don’t understand women” from…le sigh…READ GUYS!! READ!! Make an EFFORT instead of complaining.

    Like

  18. I’m writing a book. In the beginning I thought about removing cis girl issues like slut-shaming and periods and stuff and make it appeal more to boys, then I was like, I don’t care. I’m writing about a girl with superpowers who believes in supporting other girls and is about to save the world. If boys aren’t interested, woo-hoo. Don’t care.

    Like

  19. It makes me so sad and frustrated that this is still a relevant issue. It’s like the days of female authors and poets publishing under male names in order to be taken seriously and get readers never really left us, despite all the leaps and bounds women have made. It just goes to prove that to many, women’s primary qualifier is still their gender, not their ideas or accomplishments. Disappointing.

    Liked by 1 person

  20. I am just going to start off by saying, boys usually don’t even like reading. haha. Now that I have said that, I am a man, and honestly I never pay too much attention to the authors gender. Only once I realize the book may be appealing to me do I look at the author out of curiosity. Wether it is a man or women doesn’t change my perspective about the book. If I like it then I like it. Actually I read a book recently “The Power of a Praying Husband” which is written by a women and I actually learned quite a bit from it. It sheds a new light on situations that men sometimes don’t think about or realize. I think what a lot of it is, is that women see things from both sides, and men only see things from a mans perspective. So women willingly read writings from men and women, where as most men only read from a mans perspective.

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  21. Men are under many mental barriers, look at fashion options….. or emotional responses which we would consider appropriate

    16 year old girl crying on a bench…. what do you do?

    16 year old boy in the same….
    The response is always delayed….. even in my psychology or early education classes.

    I grew up as a single child to a single mother and do suffer author gender bias…
    Andre Norton
    Anne Mccafferey
    Elizabeth Moon
    All played a grand part in my childhood…. but feminism causes many gender barriers because there is a constant reminder of the most obvious difference. …..plumbing

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  22. This post is so true. I just spoke to my husband who loves to read everything, but told me truthfully there a books he would not admit to reading, let alone enjoying, by female authors. Austen and Bronte made the list. As a femaleI have to admit there a books I discarded out of hand as ‘too girly’ to read without attempting even attempting them. I need to look at my own sexist views, language and stereotypes.

    Liked by 1 person

  23. Not reading a book because the genre or theme of the book doesn’t interest you is common, and presumedly alright.

    Not reading a book because of the author’s gender! That’s bullshit when you realise that the book is a fiction!

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  24. It’s really just ridiculous. I never think that I won’t read a book written by a man, so why should men feel reluctant to read something written by a woman? I actually noticed this when I was playing a trivia game with some people, and I got a question about who wrote Frankenstein. Basically everyone was surprised that such a famous book was wriiten by a woman.

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